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Venía caminando enroscada en mi bufanda. Recién había salido del subte, por lo que tenía un poco más de fresco del que en realidad debía sentir. Ya a una cuadra de distancia veía que la cola de espera del 60 superaba las 15 personas, lo que significaba simplemente que si quería viajar sentada iba a tener que dejar pasar unos cuantos colectivitos.
El semirápido justo hizo su aparición cuando estaba ya llegando a la fila, ocasionando una deserción de aproximadamente 5 personas que decidieron viajar con él. La líonea de espera estaba más corta ahora y me paré detrás de una chica que curiosamente siempre llega más tarde que yo. De pronto, una bocanada de aire muerto se impregnó en el aire. Yo no me había cagado y la muchacha parecía demasiado dulce y tierna como para haber disparado un pedo en plena fila de colectivo. Era algo diferente.
De repente reparé en el árbol que tenía a un metro más adelante. Está literalmente plantado sobre la vereda, la gente debe rodearlo para esperar al 60, o parársele al lado. En lo que sería la maceta que rodea sus raíces añejas había un charco de vómito de más de 25 centímetros de diámetro, color salsa rosa, todavía con fideos sin digerir nadando entre su bilis teñida y tapado tímidamente con una baldosa. Si lo intento, puedo ver al pobre santo ahogado en sus chorros de comida, lamiendo el piso con cada arcada, tratando de sentir el viento en la cara sin necesidad de olerse a sí mismo.
Desde chiquita soy vómito-consecuente. Creo que me inicié en esto cuando a los 5 mi madre me llevó en un colectivo a pasear a no sé dónde junto con una compañera de jardín que se llamaba Julieta y su respectiva paridora. Nunca voy a olvidar el momento en que Julieta, que estaba sentada del lado del pasillo, yo del lado de la ventana, me miró y me dijo: “abrí la ventana”. Acto seguido se paró con sus 5 años de inconciencia y me vomitó íntegramente arriba de la cabeza, chorreando todo mi cuerpo con una sustancia ácida y penetrante. Todavía faltaba una hora para llegar a casa. Aguantar mi propia existencia con el vómito de esa hija de puta encima fue lo más trágico que jamás pudo pasarme. Cuando llegué a casa y me bañé, los pedazos de comida hacían barquito en la bañadera, parecían Chococrispies.
Recordando el tema: Me hice vómito consecuente esa vez y desde ese instante cada vez que veo, huelo o escucho a alguien a punto de explotar por la boca, tiendo a replicarlo. No es algo evitable, mucho menos predecible. Mi manera de superarlo es pensando en los verdes prados que rodean a los Ositos Cariñosos.
Cuando me tocó avanzar hasta quedar parada al lado del charco de vómito creí que era mi final. La chica de adelante estaba color blanco y nuevamente no pude evitar imaginarla colaborando con los fideos en salsa rosa con su propia bocanada de sustancias parcialmente digeridas. Las ganas de vomitar estaban lentamente ascendiendo por mi cerebro, pero la que cedió de modo lamentable fue la chica de adelante. No pudo tolerarlo e hizo dos arcadas que intentó confundir con tos, pero eran bastante claras. Yo caminé hacia atrás. Saqué un paquete de Lincoln y comencé a olerlo debajo de mi bufanda. Todavía pensaba en Ositos hablando extrañamente como Teletubbies. A solo cien metros podía verse el 60. Solo restaba aguantar menos de un minuto para estar lejos del vómito. Me paré en la calle, mis ojos estaban desbocados, necesitaba alejarme rápidamente. Subí como con un chasquibum en el clítoris, me senté en un asiento de la ventana y lo último que vi fue a la pobre muchacha agachada sobre la mancha de pasta aportando condimentos para hacerla más vistosa. La pobre se perdió el colectivo. Yo llegué puntual al trabajo.

58 comentarios:

Dami...el mas bombero dijo...

jajajajaja, primero otra vez!!!

Desvest dijo...

Jajajaj que rico!!! yo quiero un poquito de fideos con salsa rosa!!!
Haciendo un aporte, creo haber vomitado solo 4 veces en mi vida... y 2 fueron autoinducidas para mejorar mi estado vital =D

Los isleros dijo...

me seria imposible contar las veces que lance en la via publica... aunque debo confesar que soy un poco mas privado para eso...

Blancanieves dijo...

jaaaaaaaaaaa
no sabia q juli te habia vomitadooooooo =P q asquin
lo mas gracioso mel, es q no solo te quedaste feliz porq la chica vomito y vos no, sino tb porq ella perdio el bondiy vos no ajjaajja

q conchuuda.
en fin beso

porteña dijo...

jajajaja no Sam, no es Juli Juli, es otra Juli!!!! Es más, con esto me doy cuenta de que tenía 4 años, no 5. Salvo que mi madre me llevara a pasear con ex compañeras....

CecydeCecy dijo...

que asquito !!! jajaj

me pasa como a vos desde chiquita, pero tuve mejor suerte lo mio es solo por estomago flojito, no puedo oler nada feo, creo que tu experiencia me hubiese matado.

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ahh, saluditos

Anónimo dijo...

Tu experiencia con el vomito fue tragicaa!!, Yo lo padeci por que no podia viajar mas de 30minutos en lo que fuera: auto, colectivo, tren, Asi que mi familia esta acostumbrada que viajar conmigo era tener que bajar o parar O QUE VOMITARA, Y ENCIMA que todos nos miraran !! Lo mas chancho es que ponia las manos para atajar el vomito. No habia metodo para solucionarlo......y ahora me acuerdo que no me acuerdo cuando perdi a mi compañero de viaje....el vomito!!!!

Santi dijo...

Asqeurosamente bueno.. y repulsivo

solo pensar en unvómito me dan ganas de vomitar!!


besos

daniela dijo...

sos un asco, no pude terminar de leerlo porq me dio arcadas nenaaa!!


julieta arias???

besos te adoooro

El Salmón dijo...

Jjajajajajajaja.
Sos la más grande.
Sabé que desde España estoy contribuyendo a que te lean y compartan todas las guarradas.

Besos españoles

PsicoBélica dijo...

ay q asquete... voy a usar tu tecnica de los ositos porq soy igual...

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Los vómitos públicos estampados en la calle son horribles, pero no puedo dejar de mirarlos y tratar de adivinar qué había comido el tipo. Eso sí, de pisarlos (húmedos o secos) ni hablar.

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